Pakki's Team

Posted By: Sonja

I don’t like the term “day care”. It strikes me as being demeaning. That said, I have been referring to what I do with my Dad as “Daddy Daycare” for years now. I know. I’m a hypocrite, but I also know a sense of humor is key in this disease. When the idea of senior day care came up in our family the initial reaction by some was not positive. Why do we need that? My Mother is his full time care giver and he wasn’t “that bad”. It’s true he isn’t difficult to take care of.

Let’s look at this from a couple different perspectives. First. My Mother is a full time caregiver. They went out with friends twice a week. My sister and I would come over a few times a week so she could go out for groceries, attend a social event or go to an appointment. So, why would we need senior daycare?

Second, there are my sister and I as secondary care givers. We are kind of at that “sandwich” point you hear about. We both have jobs. We both have husbands. We both have kids, although mostly grown. We both have young grandchildren. And we both have Dad. I have been married for 30 years and most of those years my husband and I have seen each other over a crib or at a school function. I love my parents. I’d do nearly anything for them, but again, is my being there progressively more and more really the best thing for everyone concerned? As I said in my last blog. I thought so.

Thirdly, there is Dad. What is best for Dad? That is the ultimate question, after all. We know that added stimulation helps people with Alzheimer’s. Of course, when I’m with Dad we sit and gab the hours away. So, he’s stimulated, right? He was constantly complaining of being bored all the time. He didn’t want to watch TV or anything like that. Hmmm. He can barely read now, if at all. He hallucinates. That actually entertains him sometimes, sad as that is, but that isn’t really stimulation. Even the trips out of the house twice a week weren’t what he really needed. So, Mom and Dad and my sister headed to the day care center. This is a children’s daycare in conjunction with a memory care daycare. Great idea. There is nothing seniors love more than little children and what kid wouldn’t want a whole room full of grandmas and grandpas? Of course, Dad had the typical response. “I don’t want to come here.” “I don’t like it here.” And, the ever popular heartbreaker, “Please don’t leave me here.” Do you remember any of these from leaving kids at daycare?

A person with Alzheimer’s is more than likely a frightened person. It’s like having the rug pulled out from you at every turn. Things are rarely familiar. The one thing that may be familiar is that primary caregiver. Dad was always friendly, but not a social sort of person. In his spare time he graded tests, read his Bible and did jobs around his house or someone else’s. There was no sense arguing with him. It’s all in the presentation. My approach? “Dad, they are looking for volunteers with Alzheimer’s to rock the children.” Well, he could do that! Let’s go! Mom was the tough sell. She thought it was demeaning to him. She felt she didn’t need any more time away from him. What could they do for him?

A couple weeks ago Dad started daycare. Mom called from Target after dropping him off and I swear she was giddy. He walked in there like he had always been there and never looked back. She didn’t know what to do with the next several hours all to herself! It didn’t hurt that she told him they would go for ice cream when she picked him up. I warned her he would probably tell he never wanted to go back. When she got there to pick him up he didn’t immediately see her. There he was, sitting in a circle with several other seniors laughing and playing with a beach ball. Then he saw her. He knew her immediately (she was afraid he wouldn’t) and off to the car they went. His first comment? “Do I have to go back there?” “Yes.”

The next visit, he didn’t remember ever being there, of course, but in my Mother’s terms, “he lit up like a Christmas tree when he walked in.” She admitted she really needed this. She now has those hours to do whatever she wants and not feel pressured to get home to relieve someone. She feels she has seen some improvement in him with the added stimulation and I know I see a difference in my mother. When the going gets tough she has that to look to. He’s happy. She’s happy. I’m happy. Perfect.

Sonja Fowler is a trained care giver and has worked as an in-home care giver and also as a nursing home care giver of Alzheimer’s patients. She is also a direct care giver for he father, Erwin Mickelberg. She has volunteered to run a support blog for the caregivers and families of Alzheimer’s Patients.